Relationships

Relationships. They are a very important part of our lives, in many different ways. But I am not talking about the everyday relationships that we hold dear. I'm talking about the "dating" relationship, if it can even be called that.

      I have been giving a lot of thought to this subject, and I'm not sure if I came to any sort of conclusion in this matter. However, I, being 28 and still single, am not sure what I think about it. My adventures in dating are very brief, having been in one such relationship like that, and that being over 8 years ago. At this point in life, I am not even sure if I would even be able to handle myself in a relationship. I wouldn't even know what to do! And it this lack of experience that has caused my to be afraid. Afraid to even be in a relationship of that magnitude. "Why would you be afraid?" you may be asking. Well thats a good question.

    You see having been single for such a long time, I am not sure if I would even be able to do what is needed to maintain a dating relationship, I don't even know what to do! Plus, the chances of said relationships not working out are stacked against me. So I ask myself,"do I really want to invest myself into something that more then likely isn't going to last?" I know it's a fairly cynical way of looking at it, but having already been hurt before I am not sure if I want to take the risk.

      However, this is weighed against my desire to be with someone, to have someone to love, and someone who loves me, to have a family, and so on and so forth. And so I play with the idea of finding someone to be with, to stop being lonely and finally have someone to love. But where does one go to find such a thing? The bar scene is completely out of the question, you're not going to find a relationship that is worthwhile in that sort of environment. There is the church. However, my experience in the church setting has been less then fulfilling. Now don't get me wrong, the church is a wonderful place for relationships to help you grow and mature, and to help through those dark and troubling times in life, just not really suitable for dating. I have found, being a single young man, that within the church that there is a attitude among young women, and young men as well, that dating is bad, and that God will bring "the one" into their lives. I believe that this mind set has caused many people to miss out on what God has for them. They are so caught up with "the one", their knight in shining armor thats going to come and sweep them off their feet, that they miss who God actually has for them, and end up settling for someone really not right for them because they get so tired of being lonely. Having been invloved in that very scenario, I don't think the church is a good place to find that someone.

      So where does that leave me? Still single and lonely, with no real place to find and meet people. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine recently, and she brought up online dating sites. It has worked for her, and through such a one has found someone, and it has worked out well for them. Although I see the merits in such a medium, I am still a skeptical about the whole concept. Now, while I have nothing to lose from the whole things, it seems to me that it's a cop out. But then again, to be perfectly honest, I am afraid of it. What would happen if it DID work,and I find someone and we live happily ever after? Although that sounds nice and wonderful, to me it is frightening and scary. I would rather face a horde of zombies with only a crowbar, then face that dream. You always wake up from a dream.

       I don't know. I don't have any answers, or claim to know much of anything. But I do know this for certain. When it comes to the idea of relationships I am terrified. Yes it is an irrational fear, but I do not know how to overcome it. And yet at the same time I am tired of being alone, and being alone for the rest of life terrifies me at the same time. So here I am caught between fear and terror, and know not where to go.




    

My Place

How many of you ever felt that you don't really belong? You feel that no matter how hard you try, you just don't seem to quite fit in. I have recently found myself in that very position.

     I have been planning and anticipating my return trip home, when it occurred to my why I left in the first place, one of many reasons actually. After the time I spent in Basic Training, Med-Hold specifically, I had changed, my very outlook on life was far different then before. I was no longer the same person I was, and will never be again. Thus, when coming back home, although it was good to see my friends and family again, it wasn't quite the same.

   So now, that I'm thinking about going home, I have become increasingly more and more hesitant and apprehensive about the whole thing. I don't want to continue in that environment, to continue to go nowhere, to live a life devoid of adventure and change. And yet I am torn. I do want to go back and see my friends and family once again. Family and friends are VERY important, and being away from either too long isn't healthy, yet I don't want to get stuck in that rut I managed to get myself out of once. Is there a way to find balance? To go back, and still remain untouched by the things that once dragged me down?

   Now there was nothing "wrong", per say, about the lifestyle I was caught in, but in retrospect, it was utterly futile. There has to be something more. Something other then work and the weekend. Now I am not talking about faith, or religion, or anything like that. Although these things are good, and I believe strongly in God and His Word, but all that aside, something still seems off. My place in that environment has changed, if I even fit in that lifestyle to begin with. So where does that leave me?

    I believe and understand that every person has some role to play in this world,
I believe that once upon a time I had found mine, for that season at least, but as life changes so does our role in it. At this stage however, I am unable to decipher what mine may be. I do know that I am no longer the person I once was, thus my role has changed.

    What's going to happen once I finally return home, return back to the prison I once escaped? No one can tell, and all that I can do is trust. Trust that I will find my new niche, and once again walk in the role that was meant for me. To no longer live my life in the same manner that I once had. To break out, break free and forge my own new path. Which is what being an adventurer is all about.

The Beginning

So there I was, just like most people, stuck at home, forced out of a career, going nowhere, doing nothing. I tried to enlist into the United States Air Force, but was medically disqualified after being in Basic Training for 4 months. And this is really where my story begins. After I got back home from Basic, my life forever altered by the experience, I began to question everything. I took a look around, and found that in the time I was away (4 months really isn't that long but in Basic Training, in Med Hold, it was an eternity) nothing had really changed. My friends, were still dong the same stupid stuff they had when I left. I looked at my family, and realized, that nothing had changed there either. I had changed, in ways I have yet to realize. After about 2 weeks, I came to the conclusion that I no longer fit into that environment. I could no longer live my life for the weekend, like so many of us do. Working a crappy job, for minimum wage, just to have barely enough to pay the bills, get some Ramen noodles, and have a little bit of fun before starting it all over again. Something was missing.

        I had this overwhelming desire to leave. I had a bunch of money from the time I spent in Basic, and nothing to do but leave. So I decided to get into my 1985 Toyota pickup, and do just that. Leave. I left on Aug. 22nd 2010, and now it's Nov. 27th 2010, and I still haven't found my way back home. But along my journey I had nothing but time to think (especially through Kansas), being all by myself, driving across the country in search of....something.

       This is a recording of my thoughts, musings, and soul searching while on this adventure. There is really no structure to my thoughts, no flow, but just things I have thought about, and many of which still are left unanswered. So join me in my epic quest to find meaning, to gain insights into those things which plague us all, perhaps some of your questions can be answered, or at the very least open up avenues to questions you haven't even thought of yet. Buckle up, it's going to be an interesting trip.