That of a Father

I know it's been awhile since I last posted, and that this post doesn't have much to do with my road trip, but it is still a part of my journey nonetheless.

Yesterday my sister had another baby. (YAY!!! I'm an Uncle again!! WOOT! WOOT!) And this got me thinking about being a Father. I am not one (yet) but it is something that I am looking forward to. After hearing this wonderful bit of news, I began to imagine just what it would feel like to have a child of my own, and what it would feel like to be a Father.

Father, A word that is almost meaningless to me now, yet carries within it the stirrings of the greatest joy, the greatest love that a man can experience, yet also the greatest pain and heartache that the world has ever known. What an awesome responsability!! To be a Father. To be the one to mold and guide a young life in this world, to teach and shape one into an adult that will have a great impact on the world around them. It is something so amazing, so awesome, so wonderful and sorrowful at the same time, I do not think I am ready for such a burden. In fact I know I am not worthy to be called by that majestic and powerful name as Father. Yet my heart stirs within me, bringing tears to my eyes, when I think that one day I may put on the mantle of such.

Father. A very important role in our lives, I would go so far as to say, THE most important role one could ever take. A father is not only one who teaches and guides, but one who protects, comforts, provides for, and nurtures. One who bestows upon each one of us our very identities. The one who defines who we are as a person. I know many of us are lost and confused about who we are, and I would attribute that to the lack of a father, in one way or another. The fact is, we NEED fathers, we need those in our lives who will not only speak truth and guidance in the dark and twisted turnings that life often takes, but one who imparts wisdom, knowledge, and life to us in that awkward and vulnerable stage in life known as childhood. For is it through the father that a boy becomes a man, and a girl becomes a woman. We would all still be children (and many of us still are regardless of age) if it wasn't for a father.

Although I am not a father (or even a father figure to my knowledge) I believe that I have had a glimpse, a quick peek into that role and what it may mean to be such. But it is something that I will never fully experience until that day comes when my bride brings forth a child, born in my own image, that I will truly grasp what it means to be a father, and to experience the greatest joy, and the greatest sorrow my heart may ever know. And I await that day with eager anticipation.

The Call

We all hear the call. Not an audible call, but something that pulls at our spirits and speaks to our souls. It's that feeling that something is not quite right, that something needs to be done. Often times I think we ignore such things and try to pass them off as the bad Mexican we had last night, or that we are just being paranoid or something. However I would like to change our thinking about such things. For I myself have experienced a very strong call, and spent many years ignoring, but when I finally answered the call, my world opened up to new possibilities, and I learned much about myself and grew in ways I didn't think were possible. For each of us the call is different, but I would like to take a few moments and talk about the effects of the call upon my own life.

     As you already know I took a road trip across country. The open road was that call for me. The road, and the life one finds upon it. Like a siren beckoning me, I could no longer ignore the pull, and took of one summer day to find, something. Not sure what I was expecting to find, if anything at all, but I did discover many strange and wonderful things along my journey. See, I grew up listening to classic rock. Many of the artist of that time talked about being on the road, packing up and going, and of the life of a rambler, a wanderer. These songs spoke something to me, that I was unable to decipher until I was much older, and a little wiser. These songs spoke to my soul, calling me out to join them upon the road. And so I did just that. There is a strange sort of freedom one has out there. I had no obligations, no responsibility, and no particular place to go or be. In the words of Bob Segar: "I could go east, I could go west, it was all up to me to decide." And in this freedom I found myself once again. I followed a direction on a whim, I saw a place that looked interesting, so I stopped. I was able to explore at will. There were no places that were off limits, that I could not traverse. I felt like a bird let out of its cage for the very first time.  I was finally free! Yes, I'll admit there were times when it was a little frightening, and many more that were lonely and dull. But I would do it again in a heart beat. I learned that life can be a grand adventure, but adventures are not always fun and exciting. There is bad weather, accidents happen, I was cold, hungry, at times wet and tired. But seeing the sun rise over the mountains in Tennessee, or seeing the Atlantic ocean for the first time stretched out before you on a bright sunny day. Walking in the same places and seeing the same sights as our forefathers of old in New England. It was for such times as these that made all the hardships before worthwhile.


      But I digress. The open road was the call to my soul, fueled by the songs of our fathers, by artist such as Bob Segar, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, Creedence Clearwater Revival, and many more like them.  Something has awakened within my spirit now that I have responded to the call, I can no longer live my life as before. Something within me has changed, I don't know yet exactly what has changed, but something is different. I have been home for about a month, and am once again feeling that pull. Only this time I recognize it for what it is. The open road is calling my name. I don't think I can any longer be content in one place, much like my Celtic heritage, I must wander. I have been into the wild and been changed, and I don't think I can ever be the same. I would pack up and go right now if I had the finances. But alas I do not. So I am stuck, for a season, in one place again. But I know that I will not spend the rest of my days feeling trapped. The road is once again calling my name, and I will answer it again and once more pursue the unknown as a hound pursues its prey. For I know within my heart, that my destiny lies out there on the road, and I will never find it unless I answer its call.

Relationships

Relationships. They are a very important part of our lives, in many different ways. But I am not talking about the everyday relationships that we hold dear. I'm talking about the "dating" relationship, if it can even be called that.

      I have been giving a lot of thought to this subject, and I'm not sure if I came to any sort of conclusion in this matter. However, I, being 28 and still single, am not sure what I think about it. My adventures in dating are very brief, having been in one such relationship like that, and that being over 8 years ago. At this point in life, I am not even sure if I would even be able to handle myself in a relationship. I wouldn't even know what to do! And it this lack of experience that has caused my to be afraid. Afraid to even be in a relationship of that magnitude. "Why would you be afraid?" you may be asking. Well thats a good question.

    You see having been single for such a long time, I am not sure if I would even be able to do what is needed to maintain a dating relationship, I don't even know what to do! Plus, the chances of said relationships not working out are stacked against me. So I ask myself,"do I really want to invest myself into something that more then likely isn't going to last?" I know it's a fairly cynical way of looking at it, but having already been hurt before I am not sure if I want to take the risk.

      However, this is weighed against my desire to be with someone, to have someone to love, and someone who loves me, to have a family, and so on and so forth. And so I play with the idea of finding someone to be with, to stop being lonely and finally have someone to love. But where does one go to find such a thing? The bar scene is completely out of the question, you're not going to find a relationship that is worthwhile in that sort of environment. There is the church. However, my experience in the church setting has been less then fulfilling. Now don't get me wrong, the church is a wonderful place for relationships to help you grow and mature, and to help through those dark and troubling times in life, just not really suitable for dating. I have found, being a single young man, that within the church that there is a attitude among young women, and young men as well, that dating is bad, and that God will bring "the one" into their lives. I believe that this mind set has caused many people to miss out on what God has for them. They are so caught up with "the one", their knight in shining armor thats going to come and sweep them off their feet, that they miss who God actually has for them, and end up settling for someone really not right for them because they get so tired of being lonely. Having been invloved in that very scenario, I don't think the church is a good place to find that someone.

      So where does that leave me? Still single and lonely, with no real place to find and meet people. I was having a conversation with a friend of mine recently, and she brought up online dating sites. It has worked for her, and through such a one has found someone, and it has worked out well for them. Although I see the merits in such a medium, I am still a skeptical about the whole concept. Now, while I have nothing to lose from the whole things, it seems to me that it's a cop out. But then again, to be perfectly honest, I am afraid of it. What would happen if it DID work,and I find someone and we live happily ever after? Although that sounds nice and wonderful, to me it is frightening and scary. I would rather face a horde of zombies with only a crowbar, then face that dream. You always wake up from a dream.

       I don't know. I don't have any answers, or claim to know much of anything. But I do know this for certain. When it comes to the idea of relationships I am terrified. Yes it is an irrational fear, but I do not know how to overcome it. And yet at the same time I am tired of being alone, and being alone for the rest of life terrifies me at the same time. So here I am caught between fear and terror, and know not where to go.




    

My Place

How many of you ever felt that you don't really belong? You feel that no matter how hard you try, you just don't seem to quite fit in. I have recently found myself in that very position.

     I have been planning and anticipating my return trip home, when it occurred to my why I left in the first place, one of many reasons actually. After the time I spent in Basic Training, Med-Hold specifically, I had changed, my very outlook on life was far different then before. I was no longer the same person I was, and will never be again. Thus, when coming back home, although it was good to see my friends and family again, it wasn't quite the same.

   So now, that I'm thinking about going home, I have become increasingly more and more hesitant and apprehensive about the whole thing. I don't want to continue in that environment, to continue to go nowhere, to live a life devoid of adventure and change. And yet I am torn. I do want to go back and see my friends and family once again. Family and friends are VERY important, and being away from either too long isn't healthy, yet I don't want to get stuck in that rut I managed to get myself out of once. Is there a way to find balance? To go back, and still remain untouched by the things that once dragged me down?

   Now there was nothing "wrong", per say, about the lifestyle I was caught in, but in retrospect, it was utterly futile. There has to be something more. Something other then work and the weekend. Now I am not talking about faith, or religion, or anything like that. Although these things are good, and I believe strongly in God and His Word, but all that aside, something still seems off. My place in that environment has changed, if I even fit in that lifestyle to begin with. So where does that leave me?

    I believe and understand that every person has some role to play in this world,
I believe that once upon a time I had found mine, for that season at least, but as life changes so does our role in it. At this stage however, I am unable to decipher what mine may be. I do know that I am no longer the person I once was, thus my role has changed.

    What's going to happen once I finally return home, return back to the prison I once escaped? No one can tell, and all that I can do is trust. Trust that I will find my new niche, and once again walk in the role that was meant for me. To no longer live my life in the same manner that I once had. To break out, break free and forge my own new path. Which is what being an adventurer is all about.

The Beginning

So there I was, just like most people, stuck at home, forced out of a career, going nowhere, doing nothing. I tried to enlist into the United States Air Force, but was medically disqualified after being in Basic Training for 4 months. And this is really where my story begins. After I got back home from Basic, my life forever altered by the experience, I began to question everything. I took a look around, and found that in the time I was away (4 months really isn't that long but in Basic Training, in Med Hold, it was an eternity) nothing had really changed. My friends, were still dong the same stupid stuff they had when I left. I looked at my family, and realized, that nothing had changed there either. I had changed, in ways I have yet to realize. After about 2 weeks, I came to the conclusion that I no longer fit into that environment. I could no longer live my life for the weekend, like so many of us do. Working a crappy job, for minimum wage, just to have barely enough to pay the bills, get some Ramen noodles, and have a little bit of fun before starting it all over again. Something was missing.

        I had this overwhelming desire to leave. I had a bunch of money from the time I spent in Basic, and nothing to do but leave. So I decided to get into my 1985 Toyota pickup, and do just that. Leave. I left on Aug. 22nd 2010, and now it's Nov. 27th 2010, and I still haven't found my way back home. But along my journey I had nothing but time to think (especially through Kansas), being all by myself, driving across the country in search of....something.

       This is a recording of my thoughts, musings, and soul searching while on this adventure. There is really no structure to my thoughts, no flow, but just things I have thought about, and many of which still are left unanswered. So join me in my epic quest to find meaning, to gain insights into those things which plague us all, perhaps some of your questions can be answered, or at the very least open up avenues to questions you haven't even thought of yet. Buckle up, it's going to be an interesting trip.